but still so far out of reach.
I will post a full race report later, but I also wanted to use this blog as an outlet for what I am feeling right now. It is the morning after and words can’t express the disappointment I feel in myself. I know 2:51:33 is a good time to a lot of people, but I was ready for so much more. Matt and my friends have been so great to try to console me, but I didn’t meet my goal, bottom line, no matter how ‘good’ my time is.
I am SO SICK of having excuses for my races. That is 2 crappy marathons in a row. My bad race was supposed to be over at last year’s Boston. Going in to Chicago I was well rested- I even got here earlier and took more time off work than usual to have an extra 2 days of rest. I felt healthy and relaxed. Maybe I was too relaxed about it? Maybe I thought I had this in the bag so I didn’t have my usual nervous energy?
I had a bathroom issue at mile 12 when I was SO careful leading up to the race. I had to stop at the restroom.I think I just drank too much Gatorade trying to stay hydrated on the course. I fell at mile 22, some metal ring got stuck on my shoe and I completely ate it. Bad. I was laying in the road crying. I thought I maybe could have eeked out a 2:46 until that happened. I saw my OTQ flying away from me. So pathetic. I should have just thrown in the towel there. After I finished, I had to be taken to a med-tent as I couldn’t feel my mouth and my back was tingly. The nurse said I was probably in shock from my fall.
The thing that bothers me most is that I broke down mentally. I couldn’t get the negative thoughts to go away after mile 14. After the fall, ‘you suck’ was just creeping into my head non-stop. I know a lot of people may disagree with me on this, but I really feel like I had less strength in myself because I have not been strong in my faith. Something is missing in my life and I need to get that back.
Maybe I am being over-dramatic, but it hurts and I am embarrassed. I know I will get over it and be stronger for it, but right now it just sucks.